Not knowing what you want can be great too

How to take the pressure off.

Recently, a friend and I were hanging out, drinking wine. It was a chilly New York night and the wind was howling around outside. It was the kind of evening that makes you glad to be inside.

My friend was catching me up on her life. “Right now, I’m really focused on getting what I want,” she said. Then she listed everything off: She wants her business to grow and get acquired. She wants a partner who is adventurous, funny, and kind. She wants to get married and have two kids. She wants a house with a yard; she wants to go on lots of trips.

“What about you?” she asked. “What do you want out of life?”

The question really caught me off guard. Nothing specific was coming to mind; I’d been pretty happy with my life. “I want to keep growing,” I finally replied. 

My friend nodded. “Well, sure,” she said. “That’s nice.”

Later, I wondered if my answer was right. I wondered if maybe if I should have a longer list. Or, at least, a less generic reply. 

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Philosophers say that “wanting” is part of what it means to be alive. Wanting is a defining trait of sentient creatures—beings who experience feelings like grief, fear, and love. After all, you first have to “want something” to feel any of the above. 

But wanting can be tricky. It’s two things at once. 

1. To want is to wish.

2. To want is to lack. 

Wanting can propel us forward, encourage change, and inspire us to act. Or, it can also make us feel sad, disillusioned, and like there’s never enough. 

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The question what do you want has been haunting my mind. I’ve been making lists and defining my goals; I’ve been doing meditations to visualize. These have all been worthwhile exercises. They’ve helped me clarify where I am at this moment in time.

I’ve also been reading articles with questions designed to help you decide. The questions are usually along these lines: What makes you happy? What are your needs? What work would you do if you didn’t get paid? What do you want to be proud of when you die?

These are interesting questions, but they’re kind of abstract. They also make it seem like knowing what you want is the same as knowing your life’s purpose—and that’s pretty intense.

Instead, there’s an easier question to ask.