The thing that’s missing from your anti-aging routine

No one talks about it. Plus, a very wise podcast, a must-read book, and a summer salad to make now.

“The thing no one tells you about aging is that the shape of your face completely starts to change,” a friend recently marveled over lunch. “I mean, you hear about wrinkles and gray hair, but never about that.” 

I know what she means. Ever since turning 40 a couple of years ago, I’ve noticed it, too: my face becoming longer and less round. My cheekbones flatter; sagging skin around the jaw. The change is subtle, but it’s there.

Most of the time, I don’t think about it. Most of the time, I figure that aging is better than the alternative. Which is, of course, being dead. 

But other times, it bothers me. How could it not? I miss my younger face—it’s the one I’ve known best.

“You can’t compare Christina in her 40s to Christina in her 30s,” my doctor advised during a recent check-up. I’d mentioned other unwelcome physical changes—specifically, a layer of fat that’s become harder to shed, even despite frequent workouts. “As you age, your body will naturally change,” my doctor said. “You have to accept that.”

Which, sure. Change is inevitable—we all know that. But when it comes to aging, it also seems like we’ve collectively agreed not to be Zen—we try to defy it, reverse it, and cover it up the best that we can. 

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“We worship the idea of perpetual youth,” writes Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D, a grief counselor at The Center For Loss. “The huge anti-aging trend reinforces the idea that growing old is to be avoided at all costs.”

And what a cost! It’s not lost on me how much time and money I dedicate to the pursuit of looking “good”—which, let’s face it, often means appearing forever young. There are the regular facials. Laser treatments. Botox. The monthly dyeing of grays; the serums to slow down thinning and hair loss. The oils, the retinols, the firming creams; the jade rollers, the guashas, the exfoliating face masks . . . and that’s just the stuff I can think of off the top of my head.

It’s exhausting and expensive, this non-stop hot girl hamster wheel we’re all on. Still, it’s better than the alternative. Which is, you know, being dead. 

I’m kidding, of course. The alternative is not death. But if you spend more than 30 seconds on social media—where, lately, people have been freaking out over a filter that makes them look old—it’s easy to assume that it is.

And, in a way, it actually is. The visual signs of aging are constant reminders that we’re not immortal; that the end is always growing near. That one day—just like everyone else who has ever lived—we will also cease to exist.

Which is why the other thing no one tells you about aging is this: sometimes, it will make you feel really, really sad. 

“Grief in aging is normal,” Wolfelt says. But, it’s also easy to avoid; to cover over the sadness by chasing the promise of a perpetually youthful face in the mirror. As he points out, “you don’t have to grieve if you can stay in control.”

Which makes sense. Grieving isn’t fun. But it’s necessary: it’s the only way to move on. And, anyway, denying our fear of aging with injections and serums won’t work forever—eventually time and gravity always catches up.

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“Aging is out of your control,” Diane von Furstenberg writes in her memoir. “How you handle it, though, is in your hands.”

True, but no one really tells us how. We hear about “aging gracefully” but what does that really mean?

I think my doctor was on the right track: acceptance is key. And, while I don’t think we should forgo all our treatments and creams—after all, there’s a lot of  joy to be found in tending to ourselves—I do think we should be more conscientious in our aesthetic pursuits. We should regularly ask ourselves why we want to do the things we do—and examine whether it’s because they make us feel truly good, or if we’re simply hiding from our existential fears.

I also think we should take the time to mourn; that we should let ourselves be sad for the youthful faces now gone—and also the bodies, seasons, people, and experiences we’ve been lucky to have. We should honor the fact that every moment up to now—the days in the sun, the meals with friends, the hardships endured, the broken-hearts we’ve had to mend—has left its own indelible mark. Not just on our faces or our bodies, but also on our hearts. 

It’s only by doing this that we can fully inhabit the present and bravely embrace whatever comes next.

Because my doctor was also right about this: it’s pointless to compare ourselves now to the younger people we once were. The Christina of her 40s is different from the Christina of her 30s, for sure—and thank goodness for that. This Christina has done more, seen more, felt more, and learned. She’s also calmer, kinder, and wiser than any version that’s come before.

Those are qualities worth celebrating. And, most importantly, they don’t come from creams, serums, or trips to the med spa. They can’t be bought; they must be earned. I’m working on appreciating them more—and learning to see my ever-changing face not as something to be fixed, but as an evolving symbol of a life well-lived.

• Wiser Than Me — Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ new podcast features interviews with older women who share their candid thoughts on everything from aging to love to work to death. The conversations with Jane Fonda, Ruth Reichl, Fran Leibowitz, and more are so insightful, touching, and empowering that I’ve been telling everyone I know. Now I’m telling you, too. Listen whenever you need perspective, advice, or a mood shift.

• The Unpublishable — Jessica DeFino is a beauty writer whose newsletter should be at the top of your list: she covers “unpublishable” beauty industry-critical content that mainstreams publications can’t, won’t, or don’t. “Anti-aging is the beauty industry’s most enduring promise and most lucrative marketing claim,” she says. “I want to make it clear that anti-aging is a beauty standard. Plain and simple. Youthfulness is not a health goal.” It’s an informative—and enlightening—read.

I Feel Bad About My Neck, by Nora Ephron
I really might be the last woman on earth to read this, but just in case I’m not, consider this your sign to get a copy now. You know writer Nora Ephron from her iconic films like When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless In Seattle, and more. Here, she brings her signature humor and sharp wit to personal essays that cover the gamut of aging and womanhood. The essays are funny and relatable—and also partly what inspired today’s newsletter topic, especially this line from the essay Maintenance: “I have been trying for weeks to write about maintenance, but it hasn’t been easy, and for this simple reason: Maintenance takes up so much of my life that I barely have time to sit down at my computer.”

Herbs as flowers
One thing I’ve been unapologetically leaning into as I’ve gotten older is my love for nature and plants. Ironically, it feels like a return to childhood, where I’d spend hours wondering the woods near my home examining trees and searching for trilliums in bloom. Lately, that joy has extended to watching the herbs in our garden go from flower to seed—particularly the cilantro, which has the most delicate fronds of tiny white blossoms I’ve ever seen. I’ve been putting those—along with rosemary, oregano, basil, chives, and mint—in bud vases when I set the table. They’re sweet-looking and smell amazing; often the scent permeates the entire kitchen.

Grilled Corn Salad with Feta Dressing
There are endless ways to use the season’s fresh corn, and this recipe has become a new favorite: it features charred scallions, grilled corn, ripe avocado, and crisp romaine coated with a tangy jalepeno, buttermilk, and feta dressing. It’s super easy to put together and very satisfying—especially thanks to the sweet-earthiness of the charred scallions. I recommend going rogue with the recipe by doubling the amount of dressing, reserving some feta to sprinkle on the top, and maybe even adding a grilled protein. You make the call.

That’s it for now. Thanks for reading. Here’s to celebrating the faces we have!
Your friend,